Shadow Finlandia

The first 60 entries from Varjofinlandia
Unauthorized translation by Leevi Lehto

I guess I didn't learn anything from this either. I've been deserted. But my fears came back, to stay with me a little longer this time. Well, I have no idea of how it feels to be in love. I too was sad, and didn't really know how to give comfort. These are moments that are hard to live trough and to understand. Besides, is it fair to have lived in celibate against one's will for three years now. And now I'm so filthily tired. I really don't get myself. I want to be alone, all alone, with no-one near me. This hurts. Yes, you can die in hunger even in Finland! I'm old and frail. I just realized I have no-one to desire. I could go into pieces right here and now, that'd be a tempting option. Also, my staying power's all but exempted, and I haven't slept more than a few hours per night lately. Not a day without a sorrow. I'm all in smithereens. I wasn't actually afraid of death; instead, I was afraid of my own fear and of that terrible frantic whirling somewhere awfully high. Now I'm waiting for the medication to come, the city is empty, everybody's sick, and I cannot really get anything done. I get so pissed off of something like that, for Chrissake! Not good. I feel anguished, no-life, and keep talking bullshit. I feel like I'm screaming in some vacuum under a glass-bowl so people can see my gestures without hearing my voice. I begun to feel alarmed already. In my own life nothing happens, and I don't have the energy to take sides in the world affairs. Bad as I am. Didn't get to bed too early yesterday as I was trying to explain my bad feelings, even crying quite a bit. I don't remember ever experiencing pure feelings; on the other hand, I don't know if they even exist. So, how can I get better when I don't know what I want to become like? I was feeling bad and weak, and dizzy, and even the phone was open. This time I was alone in the dark, and afraid. The result was worse every time. I'd had it! I had to go somewhere to get some remedy to my ailment. I want to stay in bed, to die for a moment, since by suffering this would pass. O yes, yesterday I was so anguished that I begun puncturing myself. A slashing thought, a shy hope, at the bottom, a fear. Got to find something to do, I guess. Too heavy, too much. It hurts. Feeling awful. My eyes hurt, and coffee doesn't help either. To put it short and simple, I'm very tired. More than a month of despair now. Never good. I felt myself to be a failure, and stupid, and bad in every possible way. Just now it would do good to me to visit the outside of my head. And what good is that supposed to do? If only I knew how to get things out of mind. I feel cold, I'm aching, have a slight fever, and only want to sleep. Now I will go kill demons with Dante. I have no plans, no fixed dates, no intentions. This week, every day feels like Monday, anguished, long, and wretched. Nothing but feeling bad. The same stony clay-soil everywhere, where nothing grows but bitterness and longing. How can you be when there's so much bad and evil and wrong around? When there's no one near you you'd feel like kissing. I'm really tired. I too should stop even before I start.